making out

I really want to make out with you. 

just sayin...

Is a great way to make me not interested in making out with you.  

Odor?

What do you mean by feminine odor?

I don't have any idea... is there some context?  Why would that be your opening line?

Wild Vixen

i bet you are a wild vixen

mkay... 

Ripped Off?

ur being ripped off just so u know.

By whom?  This is a free site.  Care to elaborate?

Stalker?

Hi there, where are you flying to? 

This one just bothers me that someone saw I was at the airport somehow.  This site should be less creepy.

Playgirl

HI! Loved your profile. I'm a single dad and nude model (I model for magazines like Playgirl) Id love to learn more about you and see where it could go.

Maybe if you kept your clothes on you wouldn't be a single dad?

DC

Baby, u r a hotty. Wish you lived in DC. Would love to hang out.

But I don't.

Bite?

I can't help but still new mesmerized with hire beautiful you are.. when shall we go feed some apples to my favorite horses. If not let's do coffee. I promise not to bite. 

I think my biggest complaint here is "hire beautiful" but the horses and biting thing comes off a little creepy too. 

Frenchie's Back

My name is XXX

I was born in France 
I live in NY but travel to Atlanta for work a lot and thinking of moving there. Staying at the Atlanta Marriott Perimeter Center and bored :( 

I like your profile a lot and would like to know you...maybe you can come over and hang out where I am staying…share a bottle of wine or french massage...etc 

can't post a pic because of my work. my company frowns on that 

what's your name? do you text at all 

Did you forget that I already ignored your hotel room shenanigans offer once?  

Who let the crazy out?

i am a cpa and attorney. would you go on a date wtih me?

<<Sure, why not.. despite your misspelling of with you're mildly attractive and would buy me a beer.>>

hi my LOVE. i will write more about me so you can decide if you like me. 
i do look and act and feel like i'm 25 not 38 at all. so i am younger than you in a lot of ways. of course I would get married to you in a heartbeat. if we were to go on a date it would be very sad after the end of the date when i would have to come home. what i'm trying to say is i fell in love with your pictures and what you wrote. but if you don't like me the same way with my seven current pictures and what i wrote then i prefer not to get all ready for a date then go on a date then come home sad and all. and you know what its like to be a professional so i don't have much free time. well after high school i graduated top of my class with a bachelor and master degree both in accounting and i been a accountant/attorney ever since school. i haven't had a girlfreind in a very long time so my professor from way back when i still keep in touch with him he recommend i move and he thought Atlanta would be good so i moved to georgia in august. i keep investing time and courting trying to find the perfect girl the ones that are like 10+++ since i already waited so long but now i'm already 38 so i invest time and don't kiss and all so i want to find someone that want to make out and kiss and all. it makes sense if you put yourself in my shoes. after all i would marry you in a heartbeat literally tommorow. i don't have kids but i would be a good role model i don't smoke i don't drugs i don't std, i come from a good family, i'm athletic and i have alot going for me. it says you only go up to 33. i seemed to have wasted my life working and prefer your age becuase i look and act 25. you said your from nyc. i'm wondering if i would have more luck in nyc. i haven't met anyone in atlanta yet becuase i'm too picky. and before atlanta it's been a long time. would you be interested in me? should i press hide? do you get tons of messages that it's 1 in a million you would want me intimately? do you want to do the right thing and pick someone like me, i.e. Mr Right and get married to me? would you at least want to see me once in a while? or did you prefer me to press hide so i don't write virtually the same thing every time i do a search and see you on here to avoid wasting time in future to press hide now? i look better than my pictures well i look the same. they are all current

How long have you been speaking English for?  I'm SOOO glad you wrote this note back to me so I didn't waste time getting ready for a date and then came home and was sad that you were so horribly lame.  Should I show up in a wedding dress since you're ready to marry me literally tomorrow?

But wait... it gets better.  Upon receiving no response from me he continues:

Next day: i haven't turned on the tv since i moved to georgia months ago. i would love to watch a tv program with you tonight  
72min later: its apparent there are other guys your interested in. mine as well face the facts. so i should press hide?
1min later: please be honest wen you respond. i dont' want to be any one's girlfriend
2hr44min later: sorry to disturb. forgot to tell you i can talk on phone if you want
15days later: i notice you online today. should i press hide?????????
1min later: if i press hide then you won't appear in my search and i won't ever be able to contact you so as not to waste anymore time1 day later: i decided to press hide good luc
Thank you jesus.  

X rated

Hey nice pics want to trade? 8 inches long 2.5 inches wide

Um... no.  

Fallen.. just for this moment

I may have fallen for you already... be gentle.

Responded: What makes you think/say that? 

No response

I fell for you hard baby, but when you didn't immediately message me back, I fell for the next profile I clicked on.  

Hotel room fun

I live in NY and travel to Atlanta a lot for work and thinking about moving there 

I was born in France 

I am staying at the Atlanta Marriott Perimeter Center and bored and would like to have an open minded lady, smart, good conversation, clean come over to hang out and share a bottle of wine with you. Maybe a french massage :) 

what's your name? do you text at all 

I am bored :(

Really?  You really think you're going to find someone to come to your hotel while you're here on a business trip?  I guess if this didn't work with someone then they wouldn't try it...   I also have to point out that "clean" is apparently important on his list of attributes. 

Pollination?

9/10 would pollinate

I have no idea what this means.  Are we supposed to pollinate?  What?

Please commit adultery with me

Hi. I read your profile and saw your pictures. You're beautiful! I'm 41, live in Alpharetta and work in downtown Atlanta. I'm also married. I'm looking for some discreet fun to fulfill some fantasies, passion, and excitement. Might something like that interest you? Maybe you can look at my profile and send me a message? Hope to hear from you...

Please, I'm so ready to fulfill the discreet passions of a married man 10+ years my senior.  GAG.

Insults get you everywhere

you wouldn't happen to be a size 14, would you?

Why would you think that... or ask that... or ??  Big girl fettish? 

Love at first read?

im in love

Really?  

Run the world

So you think you are columbia and now you are ready to run the world huh

yes.

Alpha Male

I'm XXX, looking for a serious relationship with someone who is affectionate, open, uninhibited, curvy and devoted who is attracted to a more dominant guy that takes charge in and out of the bedroom. You would have to be attracted to that type of alpha male and want your man to take care of you, protect you and take control. 

Dominate me, baby.

My first novel

Hi XXX,

They have horses in XX, or do you ride somewhere else? I'm scared of horses, so I don't know how I feel about this.

I played little league football, and basketball in XXand play golf there now. There are some bad parts, though. Not to plagiarize my town, but we have our problems either, but they are either in towns and not that county, which would solve some of the problems. (You spelled theater with an "re". Was that on purpose or a mistake because I like the mistake, if it was.)

I don't know how you would balance all your interests either, but I hope you can do it. I am having trouble doing work and school, so I can't really imagine what you are going through. I'm sure you will figure it out, but you will.

I have a set of plans that I go by, but they are never set in stone. If someone calls me up for a night out, then I might go. If they just want to hangout, then I may or not. I do have a set plan for work and I am going to school to become an elementary school teacher (I don't think that I can deal with middle or high school kids. My quick tongue, which I can usually hold, would probably come out sooner or later.) I can take charge, but only up to a certain point. You pointing it out that you need someone to do that in bed is a little bit odd, but I love a woman who tells me what she wants so that I can please her.

I am not artsy, but like the arts. If you see my pics, then you can probably see that I don't where skinny jeans, where a lot of product in my hair or any at all, but I do like art. (I know that I am jumping around from topic to topic but I keep everything up so that I can answer all your questions.) I quit smoking ten years ago. I have never worn makeup, don't care for jam bands, can't grow facial hair, so don't worry, and played drums when I was younger, but never in a band and can't carry a tune now.

I will warn you that I have an emotional side that can get a little dark at times, but that doesn't last that long (maybe an hour) and I am back to my jovial self that cracks jokes, has beers, and is very compassionate. I am not really an outdoorsman, but will give it a try if you want.

Anyone that is a friend of the Sox is a friend of mine. My brother went to graduate school in Boston and every time that I went to visit we went to Fenway. It was a thrill wherever we sat. (They didn't have the seats on top of the Monster when I was there, but I would have loved to get my hands on them.) I don't watch the NBA until the playoffs, and usually when Chris Paul is playing. I used to play point guard a little bit in ninth grade, but left because of politics. (I can explain, but later if you want.)

I like watching sports and people, and have played every sport involving a ball except cricket. Just as long as I can play with the dog I don't mind. I still miss mine and feel him next to me some time, so that it feels a little weird. My little second cousin had never heard of her deceased grandmother's dog, but she was allowed to name it and named it the nickname that they gave her dog. She was about two. I know that I have never had fois gras or pate. My mom's lasagna and chicken parm is not that great, so I can't really like that over something that I haven't had before. We're Polish, so we don't do Italian food well. If you want authentic Polish food, which I don't really like, then I don't really have you anything for you. I can cook very well, but I don't do Polish food.

I can sleep with the best of them. You give me some drinks and i will sleep almost all day, but if you want something to do then I can do anything you want. I will play any board game you want, but will not play scrabble. 

The last time I played it was with my ex and ended up flipping the board over because I heard "You can't do that" so many times that I got a little frustrated told her I didn't want to play anymore. It wasn't mean, but I left it with a sense of stupidity. I love playing pool, but only if I have a couple of beers in me because I see the angles better. I read constantly with books, newspapers, and magazines whether they are online or for real. I have a degree in political science so I follow it constantly. I read whatever comes across my desk with vigor and try to make everything hurt, so that I feel it.

It may sound high maintenance, but I do my reading and research on my own time. I will give you the comfortable person with comfortable shoes. I walk about three to four miles a day, so I have to where them to do my job. I like it when it is a bit cloudy, and love sunrises and sunsets. I love the love of the ocean and the smell of the ocean when you are in the car when you get near it, I don't own a sports car or big truck (I think they are pretentious, and a there for men who are compensating for something else.) When I am with someone I am with them. Their interests become my interesting, but I also seek the same. I wouldn't want someone who I am not compatible with don't that share my beliefs. I think my education speaks for itself, but I don't like it.

I have never done skiing, I snowboard because I used to skateboard when I was younger, I can't play tennis, but would rock climb even though I am afraid of heights, can't really sing anything but children songs, am up for a good documentary, and am always up front, and would kill you at golf. (I can still write, though, but I hate grammar and think it is useless in most cases. Forgive me.)

Hope to hear from you. If not, good luck.

XXX


Thanks for the novel and for the heads up about how you don't like to do most of the things that I like to do.  I'm glad you warned me about flipping game boards and your dark moods.  

What the What?

let's see how creative you are!

Dear Banana Head,
I've given your profile a brief but rigorous reading. I have already married and divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories;) You'll always have a special place in my heart!
Your Beloved Ex-Hubby,
XXX
P.S.: You can keep the dogs! I get the house in Hawaii!
P.S.: I'm in a mood to reconcile!

Apparently I'm not that creative.  A "hi, how are you, wanna grab a drink" would do just fine.  But it's good to know you're comfortable with the concept of divorce and of course I'm keeping my dogs.  

P.S. where did you come up with Banana Head... a way to a girl's heart is clearly leading off with an insult.

Introduction

I've been doing online dating sites for many years.  From sparkmatch to match to okcupid.  I even did a brief stint on eharmony before I realized they have no love for atheists.  I've done online dating in NC, NYC, and Atlanta.  I probably went on 80 first dates in NY. In all this time I've received some really really horrible first emails.  So I thought I'd share some of the worst here as a "what not to write".  All are shared anonymously for your humor.